Happy, happy birthday, CM! I hope it was a special celebration of YOU. And no, it's not selfish to want to be loved and recognized. You deserve it as you are awesome! XOXOXO ~Carissa
Let me start with this: I hate my birthday.
Not because I’m a year older, not because I’m almost 40. WAH! 40! No, that’s not it. I call my gray hair ‘silver threads’ or ‘wisdom threads’. I’ve made my peace with growing older in the last few years.
But my birthday, I hate it with a passion. It’s on a stat holiday, so like people born on Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, or any other holiday, I don’t get attention. I know, it sounds incredibly childish, but I’m like that when it comes to my birthday.
When I was a child, school was out already, so I never had a proper party with school friends. As a teenager, my friends would rather go and celebrate the holiday with the bonfire and show in town and as young adults, just about the same and by getting drunk.
How is that celebrating a birthday?
As an adult, I should be over this. I’m not. Well, almost over it.
I want a party. Like a real surprise birthday party for which I know nothing and have organized nothing. Because that’s what happens at a certain age. You organize your own dinner parties, you sit and watch your friends drink (I don’t), and you wait for the fun to start. Sure, it’s nice to catch up with friends but HEY!! Can my awesomeness be celebrated one day out of the whole year?
I want to dress up and not know why.
I want to have my eyes covered, so I don’t know where I’m going.
I want my friends and family to wait in the dark to yell ‘SURPRISE!’.
I want to nearly pee my undies out of fear from getting yelled at.
But most of all, I just want a party dedicated to me.
Does that sound selfish? Maybe. But when you’ve never had something that others have and you want a tiny bit of it, is that selfish?
2019 so far has been a rough year for me. A lot of soul searching, intensive therapy to face traumas, mourning the fact that I’ll never be a mother. I think I deserve some joy for a day. What do you think?
Fortunately for me, my group of friends has changed in the last few years and those friends are, for the most, younger than me, and have great ideas for birthday parties. I do enjoy my time spent in their company and trust that I will get what I want eventually because I do the same for them. The heart of the little girl inside me still wants a surprise birthday party.
EDIT: When I wrote this, it was early May. It’s now mid-June and I was told to stop any plans I’d made for my birthday, that it was taken care of. I hadn’t had time to make up a lot but isn’t it lovely when you throw something to the universe and it answers this way?
So today, happy birthday to me!
CM Peters would like to be ageless but hasn’t found the fountain of youth just yet. She works in the communications field but her true passion is writing. She hails from Québec and has been back at writing regularly after a long break since college. An eclectic writer, CM is equally at home penning short erotica, quality fanfiction, and elaborate sci-fi and fantasy novels. Whatever genre she is working in, CM always centers her stories around complex, relatable characters. At the moment, she's hard at work on a new novel while preparing another for publication. She’s been published in erotica and romance anthologies, a collaborative book with Gallery Books, and co-edited a few anthologies, one coming in 2019. If she's not furiously typing, you'll surely find her with her eyes staring at the chocolate-brown beam in her living room to organize her next outline before putting it down on paper.